It hurts so much that it's hard to breathe, and still i'm so proud of myself to be able to smile, laugh, crack jokes and be my normal self for once. I don't know what the difference between now and then, between the truth and the lie, but I know for sure that I now understand the significance of her actions and me in her life. So, I gave up hope, life, dreams and all my ambitions on her. She wouldn't mean two coppers in my life, and I in hers. I don't think I should talk to her, and I think I shouldn't get involved with her anytime soon, and yet i'm writing this in anguish and an uncomfortable mood, like I just want to rid of her lies in my head altogether, to not want to see her ever again.
Why, in all my 19 years of existence this has never happened to me before and... I daresay that I don't know what else to say to my defence but, I don't think that level of intimacy that i've had with my "friends" in the Fambam still exist, more like I choose to ignore it altogether as a whole. The one girl though that I do talk to properly, doesn't even have me in her eyesights and I really dont want to let her get into my heart or get attached to it.
My writing is so muddled, maybe it's just a sign of how muddled my mind is.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
Monday, 10 June 2013
It was the very first present she ever bought me, although it wasnt much nor does it mean anything to her, I treasured and kept it with great significance. I loved it so much, it was like a a washed up beach shell waiting to be picked up and polished and added to my non-existent collection. She bought me a bowl. Cute and lucrative, her heart shome brightly and I, innocently as i approached a stage which could be identified as "not being who I should've been" but who I became... A monster.
I'm so sorry, even now thinking about it I want to burst into tears, because this memory, it's all gone, shattered and split.. Just like our relationship and what seems to be every other memory we've shared from a distanced to an intimate bond that I will never forget sharing.
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
30th of May, 2013
Creating senseless imagery with my mind and euphoric emotions. I'm slowly coming to the end of a cliff, never again should I want to feel this way, never will I have to.. it's getting too powerful and cumbersome.. why doesn't she keep her promise, is it because i'm too naive?
It would seem everything has an ending, and mine has just begun.
It would seem everything has an ending, and mine has just begun.
get out get out get out
get the fuck out of my head. GET OUT FUCKING ALREADY. I wont forgive you if you don't. Don't make me do this, you; her; him; we; us; will taste regret and bitter afterlife. This insanity must stop.
Friday, 10 May 2013
10th of May, 2013.
You were the worst, but the best.
The last, but the first.
Worst that i've ever had.. but the only person to show me and tell me my flaws. She didn't accept them, but she did help me change them.
She was the last and hopefully one day this fact will change but for the time being i'll need to reconsider my choices. However, she was also the first, for a lot of my innocence.
At the end of the day, those times when I said "I love you" hey well it was pretty heavy to say it but I meant it. Although, I don't think I really meant that "forever" bit.. just trying to be a cheesy kid.. LOL.
The last, but the first.
Worst that i've ever had.. but the only person to show me and tell me my flaws. She didn't accept them, but she did help me change them.
She was the last and hopefully one day this fact will change but for the time being i'll need to reconsider my choices. However, she was also the first, for a lot of my innocence.
At the end of the day, those times when I said "I love you" hey well it was pretty heavy to say it but I meant it. Although, I don't think I really meant that "forever" bit.. just trying to be a cheesy kid.. LOL.
Thursday, 9 May 2013
9th of May, 2013
Your eyes speak to me, they tell me be calm
They tell me be strong
Swimming out so deep, now I can't breathe
And it's exactly where I belong
Cause it feels like the ride of a lifetime
And nothing is gonna save us now
Let the waves come crashing down
Cause it feels like I'm right for the first time
And every time I take you in
I feel my heart skip a beat again
I'm drowning in your love
Love, it's taking over
There's no in between to offer me some cover
The tide is coming, I don't know if I can take it
I lose my focus, lose my focus
With every breath I feel my inhibition breaking
I can't control it
Cause it feels like the ride of a lifetime
And nothing is gonna save us now
Let the waves come crashing down
Cause it feels like I'm right for the first time
And every time I take you in I feel my heart skip a beat again
I'm drowning in your love
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
7th of May, 2013
Who am I kidding?
People say time heals.. truthfully it does heal.. but slowly by slowly it drains the sanity out of you. Nowadays, I can't help but keep a straight face when I see her.. It hurts because I notice your smile, your golden smile and I realise you've moved on.. moved onto something 'better' and possibly much happier than me. You were my medicine, and now that it's gone it would seem that i'm slowly falling back into that state.. the state of denial/depression/lost.
Walls are truths. We live not in freedom but a caged persona, one who is never free.
People say time heals.. truthfully it does heal.. but slowly by slowly it drains the sanity out of you. Nowadays, I can't help but keep a straight face when I see her.. It hurts because I notice your smile, your golden smile and I realise you've moved on.. moved onto something 'better' and possibly much happier than me. You were my medicine, and now that it's gone it would seem that i'm slowly falling back into that state.. the state of denial/depression/lost.
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